Well I been busy lately, new girlfriend and such. Also, another thing is making me super busy is that a friend of mine who has written books before has kind of talked me into writing a book. What am I writing about you ask? My Life. I have always talked to a few close friends of mine about events in my life and such and they are always telling me I should write about it because it’s obviously entertaining and interesting.

First step of doing writing this book I was advised to write an outline. Which I RECENTLY completed. Let’s just say I have over 30 chapters currently to write about. Dealing from my growing up in Queens from moving to Long Island (Farmingdale) to every thing that has happened to me. Needless to say I have had a few people look over my outline and they are dying to read what actually materializes. That alone makes me proud and happy that they want to read my different stories in life. All that gives me the drive to finish this to completion.

It will be a mix between TuckerMax’s book and a autobiography to show you not only you have different problem. You’ll get to see how i dealt with all these issues. You’ll laugh .. You’ll cry .. and then say Ew at certain things that I get graphic about. None the less you’ll enjoy this good read.

Now it’s just going to come down to me writing 15,000 words a day religiously to get it done. I have an hour train ride each day which will help a ton. There will be no excuses not to write. I floated around a few names for the title of the book but nothing is sticking and I don’t think I should settle on a name until its finally complete.

Also, included in my book will be my prior writings that I have kept from everyone .. poetry .. emotional ramblings that I SELECTIVELY shared here.

I’ll keep this blog updated with my progress. So check back each week! I’ll post the outline once I polish it off a little clearer.

The title speaks for itself, “nowhere to go but up”. When you have hit the bottom of something in this case my emotions, there is no where to go but up. Things do have a way of correcting itself or balancing itself. With that said obviously you can tell things are on an upswing.

First things first, I’ve come to grips with what the last post is all about and have learned to close the chapter in my life which was open for so long. It was kinda like those books that say “go to page 23 to fight the dragon or got o page 62 to run” yeah but instead mine was always doing the old circle around. Kept going back to the same pages as if it were on purpose. Well finally just put the past situation behind me where it should of been a while ago.

Now I been on a roll lately which I have impressed others and myself. Going to work everyday on time, getting things done when I say I will get them done, becoming more accountable, thinking more about my actions and just plain doing the right thing. Seriously, I haven’t felt this good in a long time. Found someone really nice and I know she will treat me right as long as I promise to do the same for her. Which I have every intention on doing.

Next week hopefully I can put some money towards a new camera. My old Sony DSC-T7 crapped out on me. I have had the camera for about 3 years now so I really can’t be that bummed about it but I really hate being without it. I have easily taken over 5,000+ pictures with that camera. I believe I got my money’s worth all $250 of it.

My next camera will be the Canon PowerShot SD800 Small Sleek and packed full of goodies. It is my first camera OUTSIDE the Sony world. I have not bought a camera other then a Sony Ever. I have just seen so many great pictures from the Canon Series that it was a no brainer to select a Canon. And if I got any other camera Mel Frank would of bite my head off.

There are other ‘Toys’ I have to purchase soon on top of an Xbox 360 for myself but that will all come in time when the fundage is right. Well for now thats basically it e-mail me if you wanna catch up.

I’m really hesitant about writing this post. I don’t know what sort of backlash this will cause but if I can’t get it out here then where can I get it out?

I had someone in my life .. who meant the world to me when we were together. There wasn’t a day that went by after her that I probably didn’t think of her. I’m not saying this because of something that happened recently but this is the truth. As I look back at all my failed relationships since her I notice i was trying to replace her. In every aspect. She is the first person I truly loved with all of my heart and never once did anything wrong to hurt her. Since I have fucked up every relationship. I will take the credit for it .. as much as I would blame it on others or a certain situation .. it was me. It takes a lot now knowing I fucked up everything since then .. all because of this.

People in my past will be upset that I’m coming out and saying that but that is the truth and if they read this at least know the blame isn’t yours .. it’s mine to own up to. Not to cheapen any of my other relationships they all were amazing and out of them I learned something different about myself with every failed relationship.

There were those days where I would think .. what if .. there was a second chance at our relationship. Growing and Maturing I have realized that things between me and her could of worked out given the circumstances. I should of never pressured her if thats what would of made things work. I mean shit I used to drive 2 hours to see her, then drive two hours home because I wasn’t allowed to sleep at her house. I would do it because I loved you so much and wanted to see your beautiful face. I miss your giggles .. all your tendencies .. the inside jokes we had that we would crack up over which others would find stupid. Why couldn’t your mother just like me .. I remember all the times you would try to convince yourself and I that she really did like me but we knew deep down inside it was the latter. We still kept on going strong, regardless of the obsticals. We had love .. LOVE I never knew or had before.

All those times we had together where we would drive around and share those looks at each other in the car ride. Smile and laugh .. trade “i love you’s” there was nothing in the world I wouldn’t of done for you. You showed me what it was like to have fun with someone you love and lose yourself in moments with each other. Those kisses … hugs … gazes … I miss those to this day. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t give to have that back but now that will never happen. Someone else owns all those. That is what has just killed me inside.

I knew deep down inside but until now it has come out that a part of my heart was still with you to this day .. a huge chunk of it .. or all of it. For all the girls who would call me cold hearted since then were wrong, I never had my heart .. it was never in my chest .. it was in your hands never returned. Quite honestly I was never upset you still had it. I was always trying to play a trick on my mind that I was over you. That is what people who can’t come to grips with reality do, they try to slide something temporary over something that was forever permanent.

Now I sit here in pieces .. of my former self. Your now going to be another mans soon to be wife .. not mine like we used to plan. What do I do from here? How do I assemble the pieces of me that used to be. I don’t even know how to be my old self anymore. What have I been doing to myself all this time? This is all not making sense. Where do I go from here?

There are so many things I wish I could say to you now but I can’t .. I wont’. I just have to say them to myself and that is what makes all this hurt so much. I know it wouldn’t mean much to you now since you replaced me a while ago but I want to put out there that I never replaced you. It’s to late to apologize.

I really wish i could just forget the years we had together but i won’t and will never. I’m just going to have to suck it up and move on .. how long will it take .. way to long but I have to if I will ever give someone else the chance to get into my heart.

There is clarity now .. but not the kind I want. Now I MUST move on and I’m afraid. I’m hurting so much if its been two plus years since you were in my life and I still am hurting I probably have a few more years until I can love someone else again. When others said I didn’t know what love was they were wrong “we had love”.

My last words to you .. I love you and wish you the best in your life with someone else. That is quite possibly the hardest thing I have had to type in my life. Took me 20 minutes just to write that line. Thank God for memories because I will always be able to playback in my head the times we had together where I was a complete person. As I sit here crying there isn’t much more I can say that I haven’t said prior. Its hard to let go but my hand has now slipped off of the grasp I have been holding onto for years, I must fall to only pick my self back up.

To all I have hurt I genuinely am sorry, I seek forgiveness for letting me into your hearts only to not fully be yours. I am sorry for my actions and lack there of. All I can say is when you do find that person you truly love don’t ever let go, learn from MY mistake. Never let go, squeeze it .. embrace it .. run with it .. give everything .. leave nothing. Love is the greatest feeling in the world .. the only emotion that can be with you day in and day out of everything that you do. I lost my love. Don’t lose yours … please don’t lose the ones you love.

What the fuck is my problem. I’m never happy with anything. Just when things are looking like they are about to work themselves out .. i get totally fucked.

I’m convinced God has a vendetta against me. Just because I stopped believing in Catholicism .. I feel like I been getting dumps taken on me. If it’s not one person .. its another. Here goes the personal converstation with god im about to have. He will speak through my keyboard.

Brian: Hey God .. I think your there but i don’t believe in you .. mind if you speak up

God: Check … Check … One Two … One Two .. Hello Brian ::cough::satans minion::cough::

Brian: So you are there? Doesn’t change my view on you.

God: Expected that Response.

Brian: What is going on? Why must you take dumps on every good thing I have going for me. You always have everything going good at the start .. then you throw me a curve ball and then take a dump on me.

God: To teach you a lesson.

Brian: That is?

God: ::giggles:: I dunno .. go read my book the bible I’m sure you can pluck something out of there.

Brian: You know kings and serfs changed the wording around in your bible and pick and choose what made it and whoever didn’t like it .. got a knife to the back. Just an FYI.

God: Really? Dammit.

Brian: Yeah apparently millions have been killing and dieing in the name of god.

God: Why didn’t i get the memo? Damn all those golfing trips and exotic vacations DO I HAVE TO BE AROUND TO WATCH EVERYONE?

Brian: Apparently that is what your Bible says happens.

God: ::Thumbs through copy of bible I just gave him:: Ouch. Sorry big guy. Didn’t know i was Relied on like that. I’ll do a better job.

Brian: Thanks. Btw .. why did you give us hearts if they just get torn apart.

God: Pick up the pieces champ .. i’ll throw you a good girl sooner or later .. just have fun for now.

Brian: Gee thanks. I think I’m going to go now .. i think I hear my phone ringing.

God: Its not ringing …

Brian: ::runs away::

So yeah yet another talk with the big cheese and got nothing out of it. Thanks buddy.

You Grew Cold..
What happen to you?

You were Alive..
Why did you give up?

You beat with love..
Now you beat with anguish..
How did you get this way?

Was it all those lies…
Was it all those hateful words..

Now your cold and lifeless..
Giving yourself to no one..

Will you ever become full of love again?
My heart why have you frozen over…

It was her .. wasn’t it..

Again It’s been a while since I have written here. I’m going to be dumping all my writings in here from now on. I’m sick of this blog or dirtydalerz.com not being updated. Which will both change. I have been busy getting NyLiBeerpong.com off the ground. We just had our big March Madness 2007 Tournament at the Nutty Irishman Farmingdale, which was an amazing success for our first outing as a company. I really don’t want to talk about that here though.

Now down to shit about myself. I really don’t feel like re-designing my web page because I think it looks amazing the way it is. It really fits the person I am being both grey and black plus that it has its Urban style to it.

As for the idea of starting a new blog with writings for only some to see, I said fuck it I’m in a time in my life where people need to know who I really am and not hide my feelings. I always talk about hating people who aren’t real and put themselves out there so I would be contradicting my beliefs. Anything and Everything will be here.

Personal life? Yet again another ‘relationship / seeing someone’ did not work out. Why? Well its hard to say to someone that you don’t see it working in the future because we want to different things and only after 2-3 months of seeing each other. My reasoning is why not stop it and salvage a friendship before you hate each other because more feelings are involved with a messy break up. The feelings were there but its just hard to be in something you know is not going to work. How do you explain that to someone without feeling as if your giving up on the situation. When in fact you aren’t but in a shitty way to put it .. your cutting your loss’s (i stress shitty way of putting it).

Back to being single. Not that I don’t like being single and having to answer to no one but yourself but there is something good about having companionship.

As for work? I really have been thinking what the fuck am I going to do with my life. Is my heart into a job that I really have no feelings for? I want to be my own boss. I want to start my own company. I have all these aspirations but I’m not allowed to take that jump. If I don’t have a job .. sorry to say I won’t be living in my house. I do have great benefits and the pay is great for my age but then it comes down to my soul dieing a little more day in day out. For the lifestyle I like and the spending habits (debt) I have I need this job so I have to find some other way of going about bettering my position in life. I need to get back into school … badly.

Other then that, those are the things that have been on my mind the most lately. Which is enough.

I have to say one thing that has made me really happy is, me finally getting my MacBook. Now I have no excuse when Im on the train to not put my thoughts on my laptop or do work on sites. It’s a pretty sick laptop and my desktop barely gets any work done on it. I feel like I have dumped my Mac Mini and the relationship we have had for the newer sexier model (nerd talk). Occasionally I jump on it to either move files or do more extensive work with photoshop. I still love my Mini though. It helped me get a lot of things off the ground and dump the whole Windows shit show that would always be a constant problem with me.

I also wanted to dump a picture in here of what I look like lately. Surprisingly I have stayed the same weight if not less at 177 lbs with all the drinking I have been doing lately and lack of gym visits. If I was actually working out as much as I used to I would defintely have a rock solid body. Thing is I was really sick for about 2 weeks and that threw my whole gym schedule right off. I will get back on the horse. Softball season is coming up got to get the body in shape.

Well I’m pulling into Penn Station in a few minutes.

I honestly always have so much shit to write about but never actually put it down. I usually save it for my notebook in my backpack, which is usually more the ‘darker’ stuff I write about or stuff that would get me in trouble with other people/friends. Funny how I censor myself for my own site. ::notice transition::

So I’m going to be moving my site elsewhere. New Website name probably but totally different content. Nothing will be held back. Nothing will be censored. Feelings will be spared. Thing is you have to e-mail me for the site. So, if you come here and enjoy my site. E-mail me for the site bcinelli@gmail.com . NOT that hard.

Not 100% on what the plan is with it all but .. im pretty sure i need this outlet.

Yes, I am still here and kicking .. thing is i been writing a lot in a notebook I carry around with me in my backpack. Usually when I’m in the mood i’ll open it up and write down a few thoughts .. lyrics .. feelings .. no real structure but just a little something. All of it is amazingly personal. But, I thought why not share some here and if others have some they would like to share with me .. i would be more then happy to take a peek. Well here it is .. i had to take a picture because it wasn’t scanning good.

Don’t get me wrong I’m very happy right now, but everyone has there moments I guess where they just have to express themselves. I don’t date my stuff so I couldn’t tell you when I wrote this. I’ll write more next time. Just very busy

Yeah, im still here. Just you know how the holidays get, with running around and tons of drinking. Things have been kinda cool. I really have nothing going on. Relationships wise .. nothing .. and not really trying at all. It’s not that I’m in a funk, its just that I don’t really want one and am not forcing it. The most I want is someone to hang out with .. nothing to serious. But, everyone always wants more. Dunno how I became so closed off.

Regardless, I’m looking forward to one of my friends I have had for YEARS now is coming out to spend an extended weekend in NY with me. My friend Lacey ! She’s from Utah and we met forever ago on the LinkinParkUnderground (Linkin Park fan club). That’s where i met a lot of people that changed my life. So, yeah she is coming out here in May for the First Linkin Park Concert probably for there new CD which is slated to come out around that time. I also have to think of other things we can do other then chill in NYC, I was thinking a Yankee game too. It’s going to rock!

Ah well thats pretty much it. I know I have lost some readership of my blog but if you still check it out dropp me a comment to let me know you stopped by.

If you wanna see recent pictures of things you can just check em out on my flickr.com page or click on the picture below.